she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize