After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
