i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
