Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
