he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
