my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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