I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
