my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He has the fingertips of a God
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