watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you inspire me to be a worse person
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
