She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize