Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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