He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
