Do vagina's smell?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
