life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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