3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
