Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
