whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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