i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
