What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
