You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
