im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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