i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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