my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
