3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
