rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
