There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
