just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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