Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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