i'm lost and i look like a hooker
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
