So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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