It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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