i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
