I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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