if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
