Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
