my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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