i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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