i just sent this text using only my big toe
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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