she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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