the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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