I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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