I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you had me at cake vodka
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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