Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize