He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
