How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
