Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
