I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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