i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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