Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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