Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize