ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
