mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
