so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
