Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They took my balls.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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