as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize