The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
