Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
