im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
