Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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