how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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