im six kinds of drunk right now
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
