i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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