I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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