I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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