I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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