I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize