walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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