I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
